Kelsey: Mourning

I went to a funeral today. It was the second this week. Both of the deceased were a part of my large family. I couldn't help but stop and think as I sat in the back of the nearly silent church today... I thought of just how many funerals I've been to in the last year. It seems all too common for me because of my work with the elderly. Nursing homes and funerals kind of go hand-in-hand. But when two funerals are in one week... it takes a tole on you mentally, emotionally and physically.

The first funeral I went to on Saturday was my elderly Great Aunt, sister to my Paternal Grandmother. She was a shining personality full of life and laughter. Often she would be found singing with a beautiful soprano voice. She was the life of the party and we spent many Christmases at her house where every corner hosted a christmas tree loaded with shining trinkets; each one had its own theme. The food would practically be spilling from the counter and table while family was crammed shoulder to shoulder sipping wine and telling stories and laughing. It's the colorful side of the family.

The second funeral I went to this morning was for a cousin, she was too young by many standards but cancer isn't a respecter of age. She was a much quieter personality. Every bit as fun loving and smiley but calmer. A graceful presence that was always busy helping someone or working on something. I don't know that I ever saw her hands still. It was brought out in the funeral service that she was the definition of a Proverbs 31 woman, and I have to agree.

Now as I love both of these family members I couldn't help but notice the stark differences in how the two branches of this same family tree approached the funeral service itself. For that fact every service I've been to has been similar and vastly different. From some of my residents I've been through full catholic mass, celebrations of life where the reception line was more of a meet and greet and there was roaring laughter, to my classmates' untimely death when I was a teenager where I along with our classmates stood grave side and tried to sing soprano through the lump in my throat. I've been to funerals where God is front and center, and some where he's not mentioned at all in favor for a comical story about a drawer full of losing scratch offs. There is no right way or wrong way... every one, every family is different.

The feeling at these last two funerals I went to were drastic in their difference. The first funeral was bright with color, a request of the deceased. I myself wore a cornflower blue dress with a bright orange floral belt, bright rainbow colored necklace and earrings along with brown leather boots and jacket for the cold rain of the day. The music was happy and up tempo. In the end everyone sang "It is well with my soul" and the gusto made it believable and encouraging.

The second funeral was somber. I wore all black head to toe. Black dress. Black leather coat. Black heels. Black and gold earrings. The air seemed physically heavy. Everyones hearts were broken over the loss of such a sweet woman taken too early. The whole church sat in aching silence while the choir sang soft and slow. Over all it was a level of depressed melancholy that would even have Mark Twain waxing poetic.

So what was I thinking about in the back of church? What about my funeral? When I die what will it be like? Well I thought I'd take a page from Great Aunt Dorothy's book and lay down some guidelines.

Here they are.

No black. Only I get to wear black, you all'd better be dressed colorfully, it's a celebration.

Don't cry for me, I'm simply off to my next great adventure... you all know I love a good adventure. (Who am I kidding, the Stoller family will cry regardless of sadness or happiness.)

Music. There must be music, bonus points if you catch one of my quirky-er family members dancing in the pew.

Flowers... YES but NO LILIES. They smell like dead people. Ew.

Funny stories are encouraged someone try to make the preacher man believe anything he has to say about me.

That's about it. Probably one of the stranger posts I've written in awhile but it's just my current reality. The preacher put it well today, "death is a big part of life." Dad's preferred saying is "Death is so inconvenient." No matter how you look at death, if you think it's the end of the line or the next great adventure. If you think it's the bridge between this life and heaven or hell... of if you think you'll be reincarnated... whatever your belief do it your own way.

Love you All.

Kelsey: An overdue update

Hello all, I'm sorry for the silence. I have been in a place where I didn't really have the words or the heart to share with you what's happened. Honestly I still am struggling, but here goes nothing.

Lets back track to December, Christmas. Well the day after to be specific. I went out with some friends from work and met their precocious cheerful 'kid brother' that over the last 3 months has become my boyfriend, my rock, and my confidant. I jokingly call him a kid for the simple reason that I'm 5 years older than he is. In reality he's probably much more adult than I am. Currently we're separated by thousands of miles and 8 time zones as he's serving as an active duty Marine. 

Michael and myself at the Ice Races :)

When we met I told him all about California, I was so excited to move and while he often would tease me I was saying "Northern California" when I meant "North Carolina" (where he was based out of). He understood my excitement and we made plans of how to stay together living on opposite coasts. During his second block of leave when he was up here visiting his sister, brother in law, and me, I went to the endocrinologist for my routine 3 month labs. Yes I knew I was tired. Yes I knew I was losing weight, but I just blamed it on the stress of moving all the way across the country. 

Sadly my hopes and dreams got dashed with the words "It's back." Those are the words my endocrinologist's nurse used in telling me my Graves' Disease had flared back up and I was no longer in remission. So what does that mean, and why is that keeping me in Illinois?

Well... Graves' Disease is a thyroid disease. In my case it's Hyperthyroidism. For me personally it manifests as exhaustion, anxiety, grumpiness, forgetfulness, I struggle thinking clearly, hand tremors, heart palpitations, hair loss, muscle weakness, hot flashes and heat intolerance, as well as insomnia. YES I can take meds for it, and I am. That's why I'm stuck in Illinois. You see one other *fun* side effect of Graves' Disease is that it tanks your immune system. It's often referred to as an Autoimmune Disorder which in simple terms means my body mistakes healthy tissue for sick tissue and attacks it. By that same glitch sometimes it misses unhealthy tissue and ignores it which basically means I get sick, really easy, no matter how many apples and oranges I eat.

So. I'm stuck in Illinois. This is where my doctor is.

This is where my meds are.

This is where my income and health insurance are secure.

This is where I have to be patient and see what God has in store for me.

So the labs came back in early February. Now it's mid-March. How am I doing?

Well. I've maintained my weight give or take a few pounds... ok it's yo-yoing by 5 pounds... and my muscle weakness... has an excuse... (now I know why I keep dropping stuff). My heart palpitations I'm keeping track of with a fit bit, my hair... my hair is falling out most noticeably at the temples and the cowlick at back of my head, so I shaved my hair off. Well most of it anyway, in the hopes that less weight, product, damage, and ability to pull it would keep the rest of my hair on my head. 

Lovely glamor shot of my hair falling out.

My anxiety fluctuates... it's easily calmed by an email, letter or phone call from half way around the world, and if it flares and I can't get ahold of my Michael, I just go back through our emails, messages and photos and know that I have a rock holding me tight in spirit. My exhaustion is rampant, my dreams have gotten wild, and the rest of the symptoms just happen. I'm taking my meds religiously thanks to a reminder on my phone, and I'm fighting this fight the best way I know how... by completely ignoring it. 

I'm trying to live normally, I'm trying to keep my smile on my face, and I'm trying to get to California before I die. Hehe!

Love you all,

Kelsey

To everything there is a season.

Ecclesiastes 3 puts it well:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

For me the season for casting away has come. I'm currently in the process of selling or donating everything I own that will not be going with me in my car to California. To clarify I have a Ford Fiesta, which is a pretty small car. A good portion of the space in my car will be dedicated to my two dogs, Nellie and Jasper.

In the process of deciding to move forward on California I've gotten many reactions from friends and family: 

You're insane! (All the best people are!)
That's way too far! (2,082 miles shortest route)
Do you know what you're doing? (I'm moving to California to start the next chapter of my life.)
Do you know someone out there? (My cousin Grant and his lovely lady Paige)

What will you do if ___ happens? (Cross that bridge when I get there.)

Do you have a job? (Yup)

Do you know the cost of living in California? (Yup)

Are you just moving there because weed is legal? (Nope, but it doesn't deter me either.)
You should just stay here. (I don't want to be stuck in the same 3 counties my whole life)

Be content. (Why? Never settle.)

You can't leave us. (Watch me.)

What will your residents do without you? (They'll adjust, they always do, I'll miss them though.)

There's no one to take your place at work! (That's what they said about the person I replaced.)

What about your nephew? (My younger sister is expecting a baby boy in April) (Skype.)

Grandma's going to die when you leave! (Nope. I'll call her. Mark made it to Indiana and she's fine.)

Do you know how much you're hurting Mom and Dad? (It's been said before. It'll be said again. I'm not perfect. Never have pretended to be.)

So and so told me I should talk you out of California! (I've heard it before.)

Etc. Etc.

But the Good Lord made me with a heart for the mountains, for nature, for growing things. I want to be able to help people, help myself, help grow a community. I'm excited for a new adventure, new opportunities.

This photo is from one of my many trips to the Colorado Rockies.

This is MY time. All prayers, good thoughts, good vibes and good advice welcomed and encouraged. If you're going to just tell me to stay where I am please keep that thought to yourself. I've heard it. I've thought about it. I've dismissed it. 

Love you all! (Even if you're nagging me to stay in Illinois.)

Kelsey